Friday, April 22, 2011

Show Not Tell Fiction Challenge

In 300 words or less, write a passage that shows (rather than tells) the following: you're scared and hungry, it's dusk, you think someone is following you, involve all five senses and include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.

Wandering aimlessly down Beach Parkway, my stomach emitting sounds that I don’t remember hearing before. Gazing out toward the Bay, the vastness of the horizon holds my attention. The grandeur of the yellow ball of fire as it dips into the blue watery horizon is breathtaking, as shimmering streaks of light glide across the water. For just that moment I am transported to another time and place and the hunger is almost forgotten. The salty breeze begins replacing the otherwise calm sky and its remnants can be felt as a burning on my sunburned cheeks. Enough time spent dreaming of a simpler time and place, especially a life that is not destined for me.

My journey takes me to the familiar confines of a small cove. I slow my pace, as the hairs on the back of my neck begin standing on end. A pit forms in my stomach and I recognize the acidic taste of fear in my throat. Spinning around slowly I gaze from left to right. If someone were close enough to see my eyes the saccadic sight would give me away. Chuckling to myself at my own paranoia, I miss the telltale snap and crackle in the distance. My nose crinkled at the intensely sweet scent only seconds before the cloth soaked substance covered my mouth and nose. Then nothing, the world faded to black before I was even acutely aware of what was happening.

Posted at
© Lisa N ~ 4/22/2011


  1. 239 words - check.
    Use of all five senses – check.
    Included the four random “s” words – check. Use of 23 “s” words – check.

  2. This is wonderful. I really think poets do a wonderful job of being concise. You have done a great job putting me into the scene and I can feel your words. Just wonderful.

  3. Nice job Lisa! I really liked this. Have a lovely weekend.

  4. I loved this! I completely visualized it. Very nice job.

  5. ooh, i love that she realises too soon, and then recognises the telltale signs just as her eyes are covered.
    Nice one

  6. Oh dear...what happens next? I love the descriptions in this! Well done!

  7. Great job - the piece had a lovely, lonely feeling to it.

  8. *sigh* I love the beach, but not what happens next! Great job! Is there more to come?

    And isn't it fantastic, how different everyone's dealing with the same specifications?!?!

    Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

  9. Lisa,
    This is a beautiful blog. I love the beach...salt breeze...good visual.
    Thanks for visiting mine.

  10. Ooh, very poetic, and great imagery! So glad you could join in my Challenge :)



    PS - love your writing font, so pretty :)

  11. I was intrigued by the imagery and then--snap--you had me caught just like your POV character. That was a good read. ; )

  12. Oh no! Love the build up here, but I do hope she manages to escape!