It’s quarter until midnight and the full moon has made the world almost as bright as daylight. Max and I drive down the lane slowly, neither wanting the evening to end. Curfew is midnight and we don’t want to be late. My father grudgingly agreed to allow me to go out this evening. He still views me as his little princess even though I am 16 already.
I have waited for what seems like a lifetime for this night. I have secretly had a major crush on Max for almost all of my life but I didn’t think he even knew I existed. For as many years as I can count Max has been a friend of my brother James. James and Max were a year older than me. Day after day, Max would come and go from our home, breezing right past me as though I was invisible. I suppose I was, after all, “just” James’ kid sister Zada. When high school came along for me, I developed from that skinny little girl to a not unattractive young woman. This year when Max came over after football practice it was soon obvious that his interest lay somewhere other than Xbox and Mountain Dew. My parents adore Max. For many girls that would clearly be a turnoff, but for me I have never been into the “bad boy” phase. Max is just perfect in almost every way and amazingly he doesn’t seem to know it.
He holds my hand gently in his as he steers the car down the lane. My heart flutters with each touch and I lay my head back against the seat. The music plays softly and I feel completely lost in the moment. That is until I hear the squeal of the brakes and I am thrown forward in my seat, nearly hitting my head on the dash of the car. I turn to look at Max and he is pale as a ghost. I follow his gaze to the front of the car and there lying on the ground is what is sure to be a detour that is most definitely going to make me late for my curfew.posted at http://thereddressclub.blogspot.com/2011/03/red-writing-hood-detour.html
© Lisa N ~ 3/18/2011
Young love/lust/crush realized makes for fun play that so many people can relate to! What did they hit or almost hit?
ReplyDeleteKaren - that is for the next episode....keep waiting.
ReplyDeleteOk, now I'm all tensed up... gah! I know I do this to people on occasion, but the cliffhangers KILL me! Such a sudden twist and shock!
ReplyDeleteA few suggestions for you:
"My parents adore Max and for many girls that would clearly be a turnoff but for me I have never been into the “bad boy” phase." - Watch the run-ons...
"Suddenly, when Max came over after football practice it was soon obvious..." - Also be careful of your timing. Did this happen suddenly or did it happen soon?
Great story. With a little work, I think you could make it much better! Stick with it. Can't wait for the next installment!
I love what you are developing here. I love that she is crushing on Max, and he is now returning her crush. I think it could use some tightening up, some basic grammar editing, but you've got something really good going on here. I can't wait til next week!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your recommendations. This is my first "real" endeavor into Fiction writing. I'll tighten things up and let all know. Glad I have you hanging waiting for the next installment. Who knows, maybe a prompt from another site will inspire me to write the next piece sooner.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my site! I love how much the red dress club helps to inspire writing. It takes so much creativity to write fiction! Good job! I think as you write more about these two, you will be able to flesh out their relationship and history even more. Maybe bring out even more nuances of who they are beyond a young crush.
ReplyDelete